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 Essential Person dependency vs. toxic dependency

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PostSubject: Essential Person dependency vs. toxic dependency   Thu Jul 30, 2009 3:50 pm

Spixie has a toxic co-dependency.

Having an EP is normal. Everyone has that someone in their life that they depend on to be there, they rely on and just generally enjoy having said person in their life.

My question is when does that dependency cross the line to toxic and OTT my life is ruined without you in it type relationship?

Thoughts?
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PostSubject: Re: Essential Person dependency vs. toxic dependency   Thu Jul 30, 2009 4:14 pm

Spixie is indeed toxic. The fact that Maxie is willing to discount and devalue all of her prior life long relationships to prop the fug is the first indicator of that. The fact that she is willing to force the physical and sacrifice her desires is yet another strong indicator. The clincher, for me, is how she only shows pieces of who she is to her essential person for fear that the complete person might change his perception of her and cause him to abandon her. She feels like he is the thing that makes her a good, decent person. She will readily credit anything good that she does, is or accomplishes to his influence in her life while really the only things she owns about herself anymore are the shades of who she used to be, the girl I loved so much, the badass. She has twisted and contorted herself into an unrecognizabe, one dimensional song and dance to claim him and I think has truly forgotten who she really is in the process.

I have an essential person in my life, as well. For me the very definition of essential is someone that you don't want to live without and that is exactly the way that I feel. Not in a sick and dependent sort of way but in the manner that my life is more fulfilling because I have someone that I can share everything with, derive support from, have a great time with and count on no matter the hour because my best interest are paramount to them. I don't have to bend or break who I really am in concession of that friendship. An essential person should see the best and worst in you and love you regardless, that is not what is happening with Spixie and there is the line of distinction for me. I don't need to be anything other than exactly what I am with my EP and there is a comfort and liberation in knowing that no matter what you do or where you go there is always someone there that will have your back and support, encourage and love you.

When you aren't able to be your total self around someone who you claim is essential to your being that really isn't even an honest relationship, it's a role playing facade. That is toxic and sick and the polar opposite of the way I feel towards my EP. If Maxie shared with her EP what I share with mine I think it would be something that I could get behind or support but the current state of affairs for Maxie indeed prove that there is nothing essential about her relationship with Spinelli other than the S&M cat and mouse game they are playing. It's gross and it makes me want to relabel my friendship because there are no parallels between the two at all even though they share the same name.
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PostSubject: Re: Essential Person dependency vs. toxic dependency   Thu Jul 30, 2009 4:26 pm

What a great post Diane! cheers *standing ovation*

You said it way better than I ever could but I agree with you a million times over.

BTW, speaking of the S&M reference did you notice yesterday Lulu said to Maxie something about sticking a leash on Spin and walking him & Maxie said "aww that's cute" or something to that effect.
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PostSubject: Re: Essential Person dependency vs. toxic dependency   Thu Jul 30, 2009 4:45 pm

Tina, I did notice that. I would have found that downright hilarious a couple of months ago but instead felt saddened by Maxie's reaction because from all outside appearances she is now the one that belongs on the other end of the leash. Have I mentioned before how much I HATE Spixie???? Mad
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PostSubject: Re: Essential Person dependency vs. toxic dependency   Fri Jul 31, 2009 10:15 am

*sighs* their toxic co-dependency, that cool new word is so true & so sad.
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PostSubject: Re: Essential Person dependency vs. toxic dependency   Sat Aug 01, 2009 6:33 pm

What is dependency?
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PostSubject: Re: Essential Person dependency vs. toxic dependency   Thu Aug 06, 2009 1:51 pm

Here you go Jeff:

"Co-dependency can be defined as the tendency to put others needs before your own. You
accommodate to others to such a degree that you tend to discount or ignore your own feelings,
desires and basic needs. Your self-esteem depends largely on how well you please, take care of and/or
solve problems for someone else (or many others)."


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PostSubject: Re: Essential Person dependency vs. toxic dependency   Sun Aug 09, 2009 12:37 am

Liason420 wrote:
Here you go Jeff:

"Co-dependency can be defined as the tendency to put others needs before your own. You
accommodate to others to such a degree that you tend to discount or ignore your own feelings,
desires and basic needs. Your self-esteem depends largely on how well you please, take care of and/or
solve problems for someone else (or many others)."


Me and Kim do that. We have low self-esteem
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PostSubject: Re: Essential Person dependency vs. toxic dependency   Tue Aug 11, 2009 3:03 pm

Jeff Hacker wrote:
Liason420 wrote:
Here you go Jeff:

"Co-dependency can be defined as the tendency to put others needs before your own. You
accommodate to others to such a degree that you tend to discount or ignore your own feelings,
desires and basic needs. Your self-esteem depends largely on how well you please, take care of and/or
solve problems for someone else (or many others)."


Me and Kim do that. We have low self-esteem

Both of you do? Good thing that you both can recognize that in each other.....I guess.
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PostSubject: Re: Essential Person dependency vs. toxic dependency   Tue Aug 11, 2009 3:12 pm

So you & Kimmie are very alike then. Sort of cut from the same mold?
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PostSubject: Re: Essential Person dependency vs. toxic dependency   Tue Aug 11, 2009 10:34 pm

Liason420 wrote:
Jeff Hacker wrote:
Liason420 wrote:
Here you go Jeff:

"Co-dependency can be defined as the tendency to put others needs before your own. You
accommodate to others to such a degree that you tend to discount or ignore your own feelings,
desires and basic needs. Your self-esteem depends largely on how well you please, take care of and/or
solve problems for someone else (or many others)."


Me and Kim do that. We have low self-esteem

Both of you do? Good thing that you both can recognize that in each other.....I guess.
It comes from our parents
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Jeff Hacker
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PostSubject: Re: Essential Person dependency vs. toxic dependency   Tue Aug 11, 2009 10:35 pm

Liason01 wrote:
So you & Kimmie are very alike then. Sort of cut from the same mold?
What does that mean?
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